WORDS BY  HEATHER GWYTHER

Buying a bikini is a bit like being a first-time shopper: overwhelming in terms of choice and more stressful than outsiders might imagine, but – since it presumably means you have a holiday booked – ultimately a privilege.

But, who’s to say ‘overwhelming in terms of choice’ is even a bad thing? A world in which there was only one type of bikini would be boring. Getting stressed about buying a bikini is also, to put it bluntly, a waste of time. There’s so much more to life like, we don’t know, actually wearing a bikini. Ideally this will be somewhere far-flung like Fiji but, if that sounds far-fetched, at home in front of the mirror will do for now. We never turn down an opportunity for self-admiration here at KOIBIRD and neither should you. Why else would we have gone to the trouble of creating this ultimate bikini guide? Enjoy. 

A typical bikini is all well and good, but what if you want something a bit different? Enter our hand-made crochet and rope halter neck bikini by My Beachy Side. It screams Ibiza (in the good way), salty mezcal margaritas on terraces. Make sure to wear the matching set and simply style with white billowing trousers for evening dinners. 

No ultimate bikini guide would be complete without the humble - and perhaps most popular - triangle. ‘Humble’, however, is an inappropriate adjective to describe this particular triangle bikini which, fittingly, is by a brand called Triangl. We appreciate its dusty pink sunset ombre.

Your best bet against tan lines – aside from sunbathing nude – is a bandeau bikini. Here, shoulders are free from straps and you are free from accidentally smearing SPF on said straps. You win, the sun wins, everybody wins. And, with any luck, the palm tree print of this Verdelimon number will reflect your surroundings. 

Everyone has a favourite Fleetwood Mac song. Ours? “The Chain”, of course. We like to listen to it while pontificating at the pool in this iridescent green bikini, which doesn’t just have chain detailing but chic link detailing – the best detailing of all, in other words.

There are some people in this world who actually want tanlines. How else are they supposed to demonstrate that they’ve just been abroad, having a lovely time? While tan lines in certain places are inevitable, a cut-out bikini will give you tan lines in places where the sun does not shine – except now it does! Needless to say, they’re also among the sexiest bikinis on earth – especially this Oye Swimwear one.

Flattering and chic, you can never put a beach foot wrong with a one-shoulder – or asymmetric – bikini. We love this one by Abysse, which comes with the added bonus of being made from eco-friendly regenerated nylon. 

You know that feeling when you look for friends around a pool filled with sun soaked ravers and you can’t see them? Well, problem solved.This fluorescent bikini by Medina Swimwear will ensure all eyes are on you - at all times. Now, go forth and dance!

Knots in the body? Bad. Knots in your hair? Awful. Knots in your chain jewellery? Life-ruining. Knots in a bikini? Good, really good actually. Calarena is a bikini brand that knows that with the greatest certainty.

Bikinis are often minimal by nature, unless they’re a ruffle bikini, in which case they’re not minimal at all and in fact shamelessly feminine – like this one by Maygel Coronel, which also doubles as the perfect top, result! Transition seamlessly from day to night.

High-waisted styles are classic and timeless, just like the print on this Agua by Agua Bendita matching set. Should come with a warning: highly beautiful and addictive. Once on you may not wish to remove.